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Updated on Thursday, June 18

#21036

OMG: I just wrapped up my undergrad. Convocation was this week, and I'm miserable. I've felt so alone for so long and convocation just reinforced that. I feel like I've hit a new low. I keep having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. After five years here, I feel like I'm leaving with no real friends, and it's not for lack of trying. I joined clubs and teams, and tried really hard to get to know the people in my program and I never fit in. I was always in the background.
I stopped to look around at the end of convocation, and all my peers were talking and laughing. They were having a great time and taking pictures together, and nobody seemed to notice that I wasn't there beside them. I didn't think university would be this way... that I would be surrounded by so many people and still feel so alone at the end of each day.

I think about killing myself more now than I did before. I've tried to get help and the counselors were impossible to see and didn't help much. They made me feel worse about not feeling like I had a strong support system. The only reason I've held on for so long is because of my family. But I catch myself praying that something bad will happen to me. Then, I can die and not have done it myself so I don't leave my family with billions of questions and that burden. When I'm crossing the street, I hope a bus or truck will hit me. When I'm driving, I think about swerving to hit the guard rail. When I'm in my bathtub, I think about submerging myself permanently. When I chop vegetables, I think about what it would be like to miss the mark. When I hear about people on the news being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I catch myself thinking that I'd do anything to trade places with them. I feel so angry for allowing myself to get to this point. We’re all supposed to be responsible for our own emotions. But how can I help feeling like this? I tried to make friends… I took an interest in people. People have always told me I’m great at listening and giving advice. I would invite people over or to go out, but people were always too busy. When it came to other people’s events and birthdays, I always went and showed my support. And it was never enough for people to reciprocate. Everyone’s posting pictures of the new friends and family they’ve made over the past half decade, and I’m not in any of them. I’m not important enough to be considered that way. I was always there, but I wasn’t important enough… always just a shadow, someone you only notice when you’re really looking.

19 comments

  1. I feel exactly the same way... and I have no idea what to do. So far I've just been distracting myself with countless books and shows, music and school even, but I'm scared that those distractions won't help one day. I feel like I would be such a disappointment to my family and the small amount of friends I have if I ever do kill myself... Lately I've been trying to snap out of it... We can get through this. Please don't do anything to harm yourself.

    If you ever need someone to talk to.. we can set something up. Hope you see this.

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  2. Get a job and leave this aweful town. Every one here is either chink or smelly paki or obnoxious nerdy white. Seriously. The rest of this country is awesome and friendly and welcoming and accepting. Move out of this shit hole.

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    1. Wow...I'm guessing you see yourself as somehow better than those people then. Hopefully all those welcoming and accepting people see you for the racist you are.

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    2. obvious troll

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  3. Hey man! I'd suggest that you go travelling to places you've always wanted to visit. You're still living and breathing which means your body hasn't given up on you. Don't let your mind wander to those places. The first step is to stop comparing yourself with others and focus on the little things that you have passion for. And always remember..the universe works in mysterious ways.

    -Fellow Lone Wolf

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  4. 我喜欢滑铁卢。我喜欢花时间与朋友。

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  5. If you are serious about feeling suicidal, do you and your family a favor and seek professional help. Remember, psychotherapy is free and some cognitive therapy might be just what you need. Also, as someone inelegantly stated above, get out of Waterloo. I'm sorry but after two years here I've come to the conclusion it's awful...the town, the university, and frankly a lot of the people. Moving just anywhere isn't necessarily going to improve things, i.e., a small town in a remote place might not work, on the other hand, it might, but look around and see what might be better.

    Trust me, a lot of people who came to this university hoping for better things have been greatly disappointed.

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    1. Did you not read the part about all his classmates being happy and friendly? I mean, all we have is his outsider observations but I'd say most people do just fine here. That's been my experience too.

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  6. Hey friend, I know how hard it is to get counseling, the wait times at UW are absurdly long. But please don't stop trying to get help. I've been in your spot before (suicidal though due to other issues) and if I hadn't gotten help I don't want to even imagine where I'd be now. At the counseling services in needles hall, if you go in and tell them you need an emergency appointment (will hurt yourself or others) they'll see you within a day. Otherwise there's also the Here 24/7 phishing that connects you with help in Kitchener Waterloo and that can really help you find a good resource. Please don't go longer without getting help

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    Replies
    1. Phone line* not phishing

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  7. Hey OP, Check out Good2talk.ca

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  8. It's like OP literally took my exact thoughts out of my mind and turned them adequately into words and posted them here.
    All you lone wolves, care to form a pack?

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  9. I didn't even go to convocation so why would you if you have no friends..? Your degree would be mailed to you.

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  10. See, your issue is not that you have no friends. It's that you think there is a hole in your life that you need to fill. Happiness comes from within - what that means is that your happiness is only prevented by your own self imposed conditions. You view the world the way you want to view it, in this case in the (most likely exaggerared) sense that everyone around you is having fun with each other whike you are sitting left out. Your thoughts and your words raise alarm and i feel like you should do two things - see a councillor and before trying to make friends, sort yourself out by fnding a way to fully love yourself

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  11. I agree that you should move out... not because this place is terrible (it isn't! I love it here!) but because it sounds like it's not great for you. If you're in a funk, a change of scenery can be very helpful!

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  12. I feel the same way, and I've been falling in and out of depression because of this. But hey, at least you got you degree, and you'll never have to come back here again? Degree means a job, and a job means security and freedom to not have to deal/face people you don't want to. Honestly why force yourself to associate with others, if all they cause you is unhappiness? What I've come to realize over the years, is that people suck, most people anyways. So just do your own thing, and learn to not give a shit, and eventually you'll attract the right kind of people. Why should you kill yourself because other people don't care? Your life is your own, you don't live for someone else. At the end of the day, everyone can abandon you, but you can't abandon yourself. Also try counscelling sites like 7 cups of tea of call the 24/7 helplines if you really need someone to talk to.

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  13. Hi OP. You say that you're someone people notice only when they're really looking. I'm here to tell you that I see you now.
    I see that you have a loving heart that desires the happiness and well being of others around you.
    I see that you are intelligent and disciplined and have completed a degree, which is no small feat.
    I see that you take responsibility for your actions.
    I see that you are compassionate.
    I see that you care.
    I see that you are lonely.

    You may feel helpless because you have tried so hard to obtain what people seem to have so effortlessly. You may be at a loss, asking what you are doing wrong and why you can't be out there with reckless abandon like the rest. And, you may feel that since everyone is forming friendships easily then something must be wrong with you.

    Feeling alone and isolated is the pits. It's terrible and you may feel stupid for caring so much. But caring is a strength. Caring is your most marvellous and wonderful strength.

    The world is different because you are in it. Everywhere you go, you radiate into the lives of people around you. And I see your heart and I see, though I don't know you, that much good and light has been brought into this world through you.

    You may be different, but you are not wrong. You aren't defective. You are wholly special. I am truly sorry you are feeling so discouraged right now. I am sorry that in this time you see everyone celebrating you feel even worse that you cannot celebrate. But this is okay. It won't always be like this. I know you can't see how life might change because it's been this way for so long. What reason is there to hope? I'm here to tell you that the people you are looking for are out there, and the quality of your relationships will be so beautiful because you are a heartfelt person. There are people who recognize that likability is overrated, and that the people who take some time to get to know are more than worth the wait.

    You have come so far and accomplished so much. My friend, do the unexpected: find the others.

    And as a final note, I am a Christian and will be praying for you unless you object. Remember, you are so lovely and so loved.

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