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Updated on Thursday, June 18

#21032

OMG:
MOD'S NOTE: Warning - Long, long post. 
I don't know why I'm even posting here, but maybe it'll bring me some peace. As an international student, I entered UW engineering in fall '12 and it was all a dream. I finally thought I left behind people who didn't value me. But here I was with a bunch of students who had already accomplished so much or knew so much, it was intimidating as fuck. I started slipping away. I reached out to the handful of school people to back me, but they were all gone. I also had my heart broken over my best friend, and I learned and with much difficulty accepted that I'm bisexual.
All of this broke me far too much. And I was too afraid to ask for help from people and even friends I knew at Waterloo. I was deep in depression and I fucked up 1A. I wanted to die. I didn't get a co-op, so I returned home. I spent a month, unhinged from my bed, and I could see how everything is ruined and I have nothing to live for. No one was home for a week, both my parents were away for work. I could have just killed myself, but I didn't. And somehow, I found some strength to move, and try getting my shit together. A got a co-op back home, and I took it. Worked there for 8 months, that was my road to recovery, in addition to therapy, where I also learned I have anxiety-panic disorder more specifically. A part of me knew I was ready, but I took a shot and came back to Loo to repeat 1A. I lived off campus and one of my roommates' was great. We bonded. She made me feel home. But whenever she wasn't around, I had no one. No other friends and my other friends were off term. I was lonely, but I kept telling myself to just get through the term and everything else will eventually get better. That I'd settle in. I failed again. I inevitably got kicked out. I thought I'd tell my best friend who I liked how I felt about her, I couldn't.
Anxiety got worse. I was back home. Nothing to do. Jobless as fuck. Jobless. as. fuck. But I didn't was to die this time. I was so used to being alone, I just felt right. So I would toss my phone away and read. I tried to dream, but I couldn't. I wanted to make myself useful, but I felt I'm not skilled enough in any way. But I just read, took courses on coursera. I loved learning, so it felt good. I talked to the student counsellor about career choices and was told engineering still is where I should be, but just at a different school. I knew I couldn't transfer anywhere, so I started over at a different school, in a different country. Far away, too scared, almost hopeless, I started again.
In my first term here, I met a girl who had a situation more or less liked me. So I emphatized. I knew what it was liked and I could help seeing her like that. So I tried helping her. But she got progressively worse. But she dropped out, found things around and got better. She's soon starting at a design school.

My first term here, I flunked in some subjects and had high 90s in the rest. They let me stay. I am not in my second term, hopeful to get above 80s. Finals are round the corner but here, in this school, no one knows I went to Waterloo. I can never open up to people about this. I actually have a much better support and friend system now, but Loo was a time that even thinking about it breaks me a million times over, like right now. Somewhere deep down I feel like I'll fuck up these finals, because I have done that a lot. I feel bloody useless. I'd have been in 3A now. And I see my former classmates accomplish so much. Great co-ops, partners, entrepreneurial ventures, travelling, fuck what now. Life is so perfect. I know they work their asses off, but they at least see results. I feel like I'm stuck in an endless pursuit with nothing to show for. Bloody useless. I want to do something, help people, do well in studies, excel, I want to travel, I want to make something off the travelling. But I don't know where to start. And i can't market myself for shit. And also, i still feel very, very left out. My one my closest friend's ditched me because I brought him down. He's someone who underwent depression and he know what's it like and I was there for him too but, i fucking bring him down. for whatever reason a lot of people ditch me. I grew up being ditched. I don't know what's wrong with me. And my greatest fear is someday I will die, not because my heart failed or I stopped breathing. but because I killed myself. But before that day, I want to do something useful. I want to help more people somewhere somehow. I want to travel and feel the difference in air I breathe in different places. I'll at least gladly die someday then.


I apologise for the long post.

14 comments

  1. I'm no therapist but one thing you could try doing is stop going on social media for awhile. It really doesn't help your situation.

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    1. Op here, I did, for a while. But really, it makes keeping up with people cumbersome, especially when they're in different countries. Hence I cannot permanently get off them.
      But I know what you mean, the period without social network and bombardment of all the exceptional people's achievements was peaceful.

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  2. can some1 plz giff tl;dr of this essay

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    1. Not OP but you shouldn't post if you don't bother reading.

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  3. A lot of people are on the same boat as you. You have to stop comparing yourself to others. You have to walk your own path. Their success or failures should have no correlation to you and never will. So forget about them and focus on yourself. On the other note, there are councillors other health services on campus. Make sure you make use of them if you ever need to vent. We aren't funding this school for nothing ;p.

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    1. Indeed. But I dropped out of Waterloo.

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  4. Best wishes. The best thing you could do is to get professional help. We all flounder. Getting help doesn't mean you fail, it means you are taking active steps to get better.

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  5. I don't have any advice but your writing style is very nice and your English is great. :)

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    1. OP here; thank you so much :)
      Fun fact: I failed the ELPE the first time I took it.

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  6. From personal experience, it really seems like you are just doing what you think is expected of you based on people around you. Maybe you aren't meant to go down the path they are. Maybe you success is in a different area and a different way. Find your own path. When you meet so much resistance to try to do what you "want", maybe that isn't what you really need. It's like trying to go upstream in a river. Look at your life differently, go with the current. Where will it take you? So many people make this mistake, at least you can learn from it. Many of your friends will finish their degrees and have "successful" careers but spend their life wondering what true happiness is because they never found it.

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    1. Thing is, there are too many things I find lucrative and in general I am decent at a lot of stuff. But note, I said decent not stellar. So I don't really know what I'm capable of. I want too many things but there will only be a thing or two at which I can excel. It's a long way in finding that. Somehow your comment brings me solace with a tinge of motivation. I thank you for this.

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  7. I'm confused, prob too tired to think, my apologies. But you're in a new university now OP? Or you're beginning a new university? I got lost at that part. I dealt with something similar a long time ago. From that experience I will say it will be difficult, but if you have the stubbornness to keep trying then I think you'll make it.

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    1. Hi, yes I started at a new university with almost a year under my belt. It's going alright, like I've mentioned. And I've made some really good friends. Right after waterloo I thought I was incapable of making friends and it was terrible.
      Anyhow, I still feel quite lost as to where I'm headed but I'm not going to give up.

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  8. Hey man I'm sorry you feel this way. This too shall pass. All those people you see on social media with great coops, travel, life, etc. They're all struggling with something too, they just don't broadcast it. Just take all that with a grain of salt. I've failed claases, jobs, friends, relationships, but you just keep going. I've learned so much and I'm just now realizing where I want to go and what I have to do to get there. Remember that success doesn't come from never fucking up, success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

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